My goal for this morning is to get the house cleaned while on the phone with Florida. I figure it will take me at least three rooms of dusting and sweeping to get the bank to agree to close Mom's last account. They are holding a hostage I'm willing to slay. $4.45. Yup, for $4.45 they will not close my Mother's account and I don't want the damn money. It would cost me more to send certified copies of the death certificate to them. Today we will do the word dance that seems to be banker foreplay.
My version may have additional words, that went unsaid, added to tell the real story.
Me: Hi I'd like to close Shirley McMyMom's account because she has passed away.
Them: We are sorry for your loss. Can you verify the death?
Me: You're not sorry. Yes I can.
Them: Oh you're still there? <whispers to coworker "I got live one here" they cackle>
Them: Is there a balance on the account?
Me: Yes, you blood sucking ...I mean yes there is.
Them: <I'll teach this one to sass me> Can you verify the balance please?
Me: yes I can.
Them: well??
Me: you asked if I can, I can. You didn't ask me to do it. Sheesh. Way to go public school edumacation.
Me: since you said please... it's four, count them one-two-three-four dollars and forty-frikkin-five stinking cents.
Me: And I do not want it.
Them: <to coworker> this will piss her off cackle cackle ...
Them: Ma'am. Ma'am that money is legally owed to the estate.
Me: You keep it, buy yourself a new outfit.
Them: it is so on now MA'AM!
Them: WE cannot release this money without proper paperwork. You need xxx and vvv and ooo and we will require notarization <picks nails and smirks> and it will need to be sent registered mail.
Me: BUT I DO NOT WANT IT, just close the account paaaleazzzzeeeee.
Them: Ma'am, we cannot close an account with an active balance.
Me: thinking it's time to try a new approach.
Me: With the fees you take out this account will overdraw on September the first. Then it will be an overdraw fee which will not be paid. Then that will add up, some genius in your legal dept. will get himself a stiffy for the money owed, he will sue my dead Mother and when it goes to court I will show up and point out that you cannot get blood from a rock, or from a box of ashes that hangs out in my hall next to Dad and a stuffed lamb. The judge will ask your legal eagle why this dead thing wasn't noticed before now and he will slink back to the office. Dead Mom win!
Me: or... you could close the damn account. BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD
Them: Ma'am, we cannot close an account with an active balance. WE cannot release this money without proper paperwork. Ma'am, you need xxx and vvv and ooo and we will require notarization <picks nails and smirks> and it will need to be sent registered mail.
Them: Ma'am
Game. Set. Match.
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