Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I'm wearing my Mother's socks

It's almost Spring, we're inching our way towards it but it's still pretty cold out there so I'm watching from inside, where it's warmer. I take the dog out and he bounds gleefully out the door, runs to the driveway then       stops         .  Three paws on the ground, one in the air he looks at me in confusion. It's sunny, he can hear the birds, but it's cold out so what gives?? I pick up my poor statue of a dog and carry him back in and watch him curl up in his mountain of blankets to go back to sleep and dream of the the squirrels he'll chase when it's warm. Off goes my coat and my gloves. Off go my shoes and as I go to slide into my slippers, I look down and I realize I'm wearing my Mother's socks. 

These aren't socks she wore. They aren't some creepy momento of her. They're socks someone gave her for Christmas one year up at the home. Everyone got them, a pair of white cotton socks along with a pair of  no slide slipper socks. Mom wouldn't wear either so I gave the slipper socks to her roommate (who never walked but liked the colors) and I brought the other pair home where it entered the black hole of my sock drawer. I'd forgotten they were in there and put them on without noticing. But now I'm sitting here wearing Mom's socks and sipping my tea and realizing I've been without her for almost a year. I think it's a good sign when I don't miss her every day. I've stopped getting up and packing to go up then realizing I've nowhere to go. Her friends at the nursing home have all been passing one by one. I know she has company where ever she is. 

I've gotten busy. Things to do, people to see, places to go. Ads to write and boxes to pack, She's been out of my head and my dreams. I'm adding a stage to the stages of grief, the 'the busy stage'. The stage were you've caught up on life and are just living it. Your loved one is out of your head but still in your heart. You've made it past the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, their birthday and you're closing in on the one year anniversary. But you're doing okay. 
I'm doing okay. I'm busy. I have people to see and spend time with. My granddaughter is growing so fast it makes my head spin.. I have friends and family and my conversations don't revolve around Mom. I just let myself move on and I'm ready for Spring. I'm ready for being a grandma, for planting my flowers, for going to baseball and for taking my dog out for walks that last longer than one minute.  I still miss her. I'm still not sure why but I do. I'll probably always feel a little lost but I'll do okay because I'm surrounded by joy and because every once in a while I'll look down and realize I'm wearing her socks. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Just a drive away..

I like to take day trips. Nothing to pack for, you get to sleep in your own bed that night. But during the day you're off to see something new. I live in New York. Not the city of New York, New York. I live at the other side. Niagara Falls are a short drive, we have history, the Erie Canal, museums for toys, steam engines, Canal History, and other fun things like Jello. A drive away can be reenactments, outdoor theater, concerts, horse races, and there's always a festival somewhere. Any given weekend I can visit a castle, cross a covered bridge, hike a glen, tour a cemetery, or ride in a hot air balloon.

For me, a day trip is the best way to go. Don't have to have anyone keep the pets company, Sometimes the wee doggy goes with us. He's a hiker of amazing endurance. He thinks he's five foot tall when he struts along Lake Ontario or Geneva. He's been to Buttermilk Park, Niagara Falls park, Olcott, and Canandagua. He loves Letchworth, Ithaca, and even Lake Erie. He out walks us humans but sure sleeps good on the way home.

Given a choice, I'd visit every small town's cemetery. I am fascinated with the history and the beauty of the stones. new life comes up in a cemetery every Spring. Newborn flowers burst into patches of color. Trees bud and bloom. The contrast is beautiful and a little bit sad.

I start a list every year. Just about now, when Winter is leaving and Spring is patiently waiting to move in. A list of day trips. Howe Caverns, a boat ride on the canal. Last year was Cooperstown, this year NJ. A day out to Cleveland for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the gardens. A train trip to NYC in the Fall. A drive to Maine for the leaves. A popover the border into foreign territory to visit Toronto Island and stroll in China Town on the way home.

When I was a child I hated these trips. It's just not cool to have to go to museums with your parents. No one wants to be see walking with them. So you'd sulk and pout and make sure that everyone around you knew how miserable you thought you were.
If only I could get those tours back. Some people want to see giant mice when they travel, others prefer boats with everything you could need. Some people need daring adventures, others want pampering. I like to see life. I like my day trips. Reader's Digest Condensed Travels. Always changing, none too long. Just enough in bite sized pieces, leaving me to see other wonders or learn other stories.

I'm making up for lost time and seeing everything I can. I'm one of those people who loves where they live. And when I finish up on my trips here I'll start branching out until I run out of things on my list. Since that will never happen I feel pretty safe continuing the way that I am. Waiting for Springtime, making my list and taking my day trips one by one.


What are your top three day trips?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

day dreaming of flowers

Remember, those of you in my age group, lying on the floor slowly going through the Sears or the JC Penny Christmas catalog? I do. Brightly colored photos of everything under the sun. Hundreds of pages. My brother and I would take strips of paper, blue for him yellow for me, and we'd carefully mark our wish list.. Toys, sporting goods, dresses, shoes, sleds, dolls, it was all in there. Page after page of things we just knew we needed. Telescopes, hats, games, BB guns, everything and anything. It was magical. Hours would be spent moving those strips of paper from page to page as a new item was spotted. And we got one or two of those items, it was a very good year.
Now I'm fifty one and those days are long gone. I'm not sure if Sears even puts out a color catalog anymore. As with phone books, they don't seem like anything more than a waste of perfectly good trees. I know Toys R Us does and I did read somewhere that JC Penny will put one out this year. It won't be the same. Not just because of nostalgia but also because I've replaced it. Those glowing eyes,  I used to look through every single page of those catalogs with, now have readers to look through every single page of my new obsession... The Seed Catalogs.

Sitting inside looking out at a wall of snow I thumb my way through my seed catalog. No colored strip of construction paper, we live in a Post-it world. And every other page flies a paper flag, a reminder that this page held something I just know I need. New Lavender for the back, coleus seed of all types for the little red wagon, something hardy for around the mailbox. Nothing every grows there but maybe this is my year? I'm sure with the right plant my flowers will stop cars and people will "ooh" and "aahh".
If it weren't for those pesky rabbits I could put in ornamental cabbage. But why stock a salad bar for those creatures? they already take out our sunflowers every year.
Did you know you can get twelve varieties of coneflower to grow in our zone? I do!
I'm not rushing Spring but I know it's coming soon. My Mourning Doves are back on the line out back, the air smells like Spring and the sky is blue-er. A friendly blue, not that cold grey blue of Winter. I can see it on the horizon and I'm ready to head out with shovel, rake and soil. I am ready to pull out the lawn toys and set them in place. I can feel the dirt under my nails and the smell of life as I plant and gather.
I know I've got a little time. It's going to take more than a few sunny days to melt all this snow. It's still up to my waist in spots. But, until then I've got my Post-its and my catalog. I can wait. I still have so many pages to see and so many ideas to get. So in a few months if you're in our end of the State, swing by my place and take a look at my flowers. I promise it will be worth it.