Reeling, feeling, dealing, and hopefully someday even keeling.

My Mother passed away a week ago. Her last two days were quiet ones and she wasn't in that  state of  mental torment anymore. She hung on as long as she could. She is, was a tough old bird. But it was time and she had fought long enough. My brother and I spent most of her last week with her, talking, laughing, me singing songs I knew she loved and a few I knew she didn't just to see if there was any Shirley left in her. Thursday we thought we'd said our goodbyes but Shirley wasn't ready. Friday we cried with the weekday staff because we knew she'd be gone by the time they got back from the weekend. Saturday we were at peace with it and we told her we loved her and told her it was okay to let go, that her
mom and our Dad were waiting. At 10:30 pm on May 17th my Mother let go. It was her time, her turmoil was over. I froze when my phone rang at 10:55 pm that night, I knew who it was. I said "oh shit no" and answered it. It was her time, she was gone. I'm reeling still, a little lost. A little confused by the love I developed for her these past three years. I'm feeling it still, sadness, confusion, loss. I'm dealing with paperwork, cremation, phone calls, memorial plans, burial. And someday I will be back on my even keel. I hope. My Mother really wasn't much of a Mother to me but she was my Mom and recognizing who she was and what made her how she was gave me insight into myself and I love her. My Mom is dead now, I will miss her.

I am going to continue this blog. I will talk of my childhood, my life with and without Mom, and I will hopefully come to grips with this loss I feel right now. Shirley was a strong woman, a brave woman, a wounded woman, and a woman I am lucky to have loved.

sadness before knowledge..

I know I’m going to be sad today, I just can’t tell you the who part of it yet. It isn’t because Spring is playing hide and seek with us, it isn’t because my basketball brackets are half done before it’s half done, it isn’t even because my new bra is pushing the ladies back up to where God put them.. it’s because I know this will be a bad day. Not only dealing with the fall out from Mom’s bad week, but also because I know someone I love at the home has passed away but I’m not sure who it is yet.

The reason I know is because a friend on my FB page is sad. She works at the home, she’s already there. So I know someone’s passed away and I can probably guess who in less than five guesses but I don’t want to think it’s anyone there. I love these people, they matter to me. They’ve all gotten so dear to me that when one passes it reminds me of why they are there. It reminds me that the people who care about us matter and it reminds me that we (and me and you) are only human and humans make mistakes, hurt each other’s feeling, make each other cry, and sadly humans die.

I’m going to mourn a friend today, I don’t know who but I do know I will miss them.